|Green Jewel. Photo by Kyla|
My apologies, but that is exactly how things feel right now.
I'm still in the garden and the garden has gone quite strange. I have no idea who of my original readers might still be reading these occasional missives, nor of who shows up later, but, welcome, hello, and greetings from a rapidly changing realm.
Well, you already knew that, no doubt, as you live in it too.
The sensation that big endings are imminent has been building rapidly in the past week. I guess that's the "doom" part. There is a feeling of doom, of not-quite-hopelessness, of "it is already written so just watch, now."
The "-alicious" part is an odd companion to that first feeling but is inextricably woven through it. It's an ebullience, an almost frothy delight in whatever catches that part of the wave. I struggle for a better way to describe it -- but to be honest, it may be utterly beyond anybody at this point.
A Cosmic Reset involves shifts in the base fabric of being and none of us really can know what that feels like on the inside, in advance of experiencing it. It's tempting to try to assign meanings to the sensation, from psychology, or physical biology or whatnot. Sometimes the fit is good enough we are convinced for a while, until the next anomalous emergence into our weary awareness. Then we may become frustrated, even angry, that we cannot control things like we think we are supposed to.
The garden is not doing well. In a way. In another way it is exactly as it needs to be, should be, and it is beautiful! But certain processes are failing, certain plants and creatures are not behaving as expected, and for a gardener who doesn't remember to look up from the compost and observe some context, this can be pretty disheartening. I forgot, for a while, that this garden expresses the context it exists in. When all the seabirds on a Florida Key that is a prime nesting site suddenly all species at once abandon nests and eggs, it is a signal that the usual explanations are not sufficient.
I feel like I am living in a bubble. I can see out, and events affect me, sometimes very deeply. My heart has been wrenched more than once in recent times with the ugly acting out of racial hatreds, and the desperate plight of creatures in a world they cannot understand how to survive.
Yet I am separated from all that, and the sensation is truly of being inside glass walls. Not only can "it" not get in; I cannot find where energy expands outward. For a while I thought something was wrong, but then looking up for context and also checking in with some friends who are feeling similarly, I realized, no, this is where I am stationed to observe and, I sure hope, survive whatever is bearing down on us, to change that which no longer has life code enough to go forward.
When you have a system that is made of entertwined elements, some of which live forward and some of which become crushed in the pressure, it just takes some adjustment, some attention, some mindfulness, and yes, some time, for it all to balance out.
It's a big balancing out now. Doomalicious, people.
Fly on, and may there be safe landings when we most need them.